Surprising insight

Yesterday at Church a challenge was issued.  To live for 72 hours as if the Savior was right beside you.  Although the challenge was extended to the Young Women, I decided to take it upon myself as well.  So this is my report after the first 24 hours. 
I have been very surprised that the feelings I have felts have been much less in how I treat other and more in how I treat myself.   In the past I have always tire, although all to often without success, to put the feelings of others before mine in how I interact with people.  As I have been striving to envision my Savior right beside me I have had such a stronger respect for all that He has gone through on my behalf and how my tendency towards being hard on myslef when I feel I am coming up short is very ungrateful.  I have become very good at not sweating the small with other but I sweats buckets of the small stuff with myself.  Likewise I push my physical limits too far.  I know that this is par for course for a Mom of 4.  But in not resting well, having quiet time, or skipping meals I am setting myself up for burnout.  This is a big deal for me since I am so opposed to over use of the phrase "me time"  that has given many women an excuse for neglecting others and their responsibility.  However,  pushing yourself too far to set the stage for burnout is just as bad in the end.   And honestly, I have been heading towards burnout.  I find myself thinking, almost daily, of enrolling the kids in school.  This year has been a bigger juggling act and I feel far too stretched.
This leads to other surprising realization I am having.  If my Savior were right with me I would firmer in my rules the kids but kinder in how I would enforce those rules.  I had thought that my feeling would be to "baby" the kids more and try and give perfect individual attention to each of them.  I guess that goes back to my feelings of being too hard on myself.  In truth, my kids get so much of me all the time that I feel I should help them be more structured.  In the past when I try to structure too much I end up VERY frustrated.  In contrast, today I have viewed their struggles and tantrums with the perspective that they are so young, in very new bodies, and still trying to figure this world and themselves out. 
Now, I know that this is just one day.  I know that I lack perfection.  However, I am hoping and praying that this 72 hours will help me keep a visual in mind of who I want to be and more so who the Lord wants me to be.  I will stumble, I will fall, I might even break a bit, but I will strive to softer with myself and lean more on the only one that truly pick me up and put all the pieces back together, better then what was there before.

Emotions

Through my whole life I have been a very emotional person.  Sometimes I was called over emotional, sometimes, very compassionate.  I think there is a balance somewhere in between.  I don't think I have reached it yet.  Balancing compassion with not being overwhelmed with emotion is such a delicate ledge.  Tonight I am on the over emotional side.  I am feeling so many things so deeply.  Both sadness for others sorrows and gratitude for all the great things that the Lord gives us to overcome and gain experience.  I often think that were I left to my own devices I would become a fast basket case.  Its so good that I have not been left alone.  I have been given great family and good friends.  A husband that is so amazing in his love and patience for me.  But most I think that the gift I have of having the Spirit with me has saved me the most.  
I know this is all so sappy and sentimental but really I am an excessively emotional person so saying any of this without the sap and sentiment would be a bit off normal for me. 
It has been a full day and a good one and now I look forward to a good night's sleep snuggled with the person taht I want to be around the most. 

A new blog

As I sat in Church today I got to thinking that I'd like to record more of my thoughts and feelings that I have from day to day.   I have never been great at keeping journals or keeping up blogs.  However, when I do make the effort I find that my mind is much more organized.  So here I go.  I may be writing this just for myself, and that's fine if I am.  But, if anyone else get any kind of benefit from it that that's even better. 
I will also post pictures that I have taken as I try and develop my budding interest in photography. 

My first thought that I'd like to solidify in my mind are ones inspired from a great talk in Church.  This wonderful Brother was talking about magnifying our callings.  He used an analogy of binoculars.  When we use binoculars correctly things become enlarged, yet when we view through them backwards they are small out diminished.  That really struck me.  I have so so many responsibility that I have taken on.  The biggest of which is schooling my kids.  I so often find that I get so caught up in making this great plan and then when it comes to carrying it out my focus is backwards and the whole thing is diminished.  This also happens all the time with Church callings and friendships.  But I think that the biggest area that I miss focus on is in my spirituality.  Russ often says a get obsessed with something, or that I have an itch that I am going overboard with.  He is right.  When I get thinking about and want or a need or even a curiosity it can consume my thoughts and thus consume my time.  Then the other things that I have committed to, the more important thing, suffer.  I cut corners with school time, forget things to do for my calling, don't pray as much, all these things need to be enlarged by looking at things with right perspective.  Then later in Young Women's our great President was teaching a lesson about overcoming opposition and she made the point that she finds it easier to handle her trials when she is busy doing worthy things.  That struck me a lot as well.  I probably wouldn't have so many days of looking backward through my life binoculars if I got busier doing worthy things.  Thus coming home and writing a blog.   This is much better then searching the web learning about cameras I won't buy and ding more research about Disney World. 
So there it is, my first personal blog entry.  It feels good to write these things that hit me so strongly.  I will do my best to keep it up .